"she blew like a 2.47"

Oct 15, 2009

my freshman year RA used to tell us every night before we went out “keep it classy floor ten!”. wed end up puking in the bathroom and screaming for each other down the hall, and later we’d label our albums in honor of her advice we wished we took. they were filled with pictures of us taking shots of 99 bananas in our rooms, tallying these shots on our arm in silver sharpie, belly buttons, and possibly some pictures of myself dressed up as lady gaga. we wanted to keep it classy, we really did-but lets be honest, college and classy mix as well as sushi and tequila. we all understand that this is the only time in our lives that it will ever be acceptable to live this sloppy, so we might as well get it out of our system while we can, and while our parents are paying for it. so where is the line crossed? is there “college classy” etiquette? oh yes. and i think every smart girl should keep it in mind.

CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES: when is enough…enough? come on, weve ALL been the girl blacked out on the couch, maybe even made a few poor decisions regarding some kinda, sorta, decent looking guys, acceptable? you bet your bottom. but here are a few solid rules to maintain a decent and respectable image while still having a great time:

1.) puke it out at home. thats what your roommates are for- holding your over-styled hair back while you barf, in the privacy of your own dorm bathroom, or trash can…or box. NEVER drink enough that your going to puke in public, simply because puke is disgusting, especially when splattered in a public place, or on fellow classmates. so keep in mind- feeling a little woozy? stop drinking, and maybe thats your cue to call it a night.

2.) keep the panties on. this also includes keeping tatas covered, behinds tucked away, and legs somewhat crossed. OR designate a less drunk friend to make sure your still looking fly. its ok to get sloppy, but NEVER give men a free show, they dont deserve it.

GENTLEMEN: after being locked up with the same boys you knew since they picked their nose and ate it, every man at college looks delicious. with roughly 30 weekends a school year and 4 years…..thats 120 weekends and potentially 120 men. slow down sweetie. seizing opportunities to get to know a man. good. being promiscuous. bad.the difference? self respect.

ask yourself this, if i see him tomorrow am i going to want to crawl in a hole and die? do you know his first and last name? getting a safety buzz (getting drunk enough so you can justify all your terrible decisions with “i was really buzzin”) is absolutely not an excuse. be honest with yourself. reputations are hard to shake. 

1.) check your facebook status before signing up to play. lets be fair, if your man was getting around with another girl youd be devastated. idc if he didnt call you back yesterday, that still doesnt justify it! you cant have the best of both worlds, it WILL backfire!! 

2.)no man stealing. if she got there first DEAL WITH IT. if you would let her borrow a pair of shoes from you, you are too close of friends to EVER recycle the man. im sorry, there are others out there. after all, who wants to be friends with a man stealer? NO ONE! and nothing looks or feels worse than a girl who has no girlfriends.

4.) keep your experiences to yourself(and your inner circle). if you are sitting in the booth behind me at lunch and know enough details to write a novel on your evening, your talking too loud. p.s. elevators are never ever a proper place to inform a friend of your steamy hook up. ever. ever. 

5.) tallying is not cool, under any circumstance. we are not men. be a young lady please, for the sake of your mother.

PROPER ATTIRE:oh goodness. why bother….

1.) enjoy animal print now, in fact layer it on because unless you plan on working at a zoo, itll never be acceptable at a social function again (sorry cool moms, your too old for the zebra print). 

2.) if ur wearing less than you wear to bed, reconsider. 

3.) wearing absolutely disgusting, old, worn out shoes is absolutely acceptable. i certainly wouldnt risk my bcbg pumps to a beer swamped bar. 

4.) laying on the make up like a hooker is ok. AGAIN. this is the last time you get to do this unless your a broadway star or…a hooker, so enjoy the heavy eye-liner, neons and silvers now.

5.) if the item you are wearing is borrowed, treat it like a small child.

 6.) if your hair adds more than 4 inches to the height on your drivers license, take the bump it out and try again. 

so my lovely ladies, keep these few guidelines in mind while you take your shots of bubble gum vodka and tease your tresses to “party in the USA” . these years will be over as fast as high school was, so live it up- and keep it classy. 

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