watcha gonna do with all that junk?

Oct 13, 2009

remember in 5th grade when it was cool to have your favorite extracurricular activities written on your behind? my friends had a pair of pink shorts that said “dance” written on the butt, another had a pair of white capris that said “softball”. not only were we encouraging nasty old men to stare at our backsides, but we were filling them in on exactly where they could steal us away after school. i prayed we’d grow out of it, but then PINK came along like the plague and soon teenage girls and soccer moms alike were walking billboards for vicky’s secret. but our fascination with our booty’s has yet to subside. and a new obsession with our favorite little ASSet has been highlighted in an even more unflattering way.

for about 20 years they sat in your mothers closet, plotting and planning their next attack. and then it happened….leggings hit the scene again!!! at first, we wore them cautiously, calling each other before we put them on “do i wear them with a dress?…should i buy a big sweater…then i need a belt though…” we struggled with the concept for quite some time, were they actually pants, or were they a thicker version of tights? i understand the confusion, so let me clear this up for you ladies- leggings are not pants, they are not sweat pants, they do not replace jeans. it doesnt matter if they are textured, denim, velour, or pleather- LEGGINGS DO NOT REPLACE PANTS. since some of you are having a hard time with this, lets break this down step by step:

1.) no one wants to see your ass cheeks. especially the people walking behind you. if the shirt/sweater/tank top/hoodie/jacket does not cover ALL of your ass cheek, it is not acceptable to wear in public.

 2.)***if for some reason you are severely lacking better judgement and are willing to publicly expose your fanny, at least put away your granny panties and get rid of those panty lines. i promise you, seeing your tush bulging out of our underwear is the most unsightly thing you could imagine, not flattering….on ANY ONE.

 3.) we know you run 3 times a week, you attend pilates every other thursday, and we commend you on your gluten-free lifestyle, unfortunately your caboose still needs to be covered. you may have buns-o-steel, but you probably dont, therefore, unless your name is denise richards- PUT THEM AWAY.

4.) crack kills.

5.) next time you see a girl wearing leggings and a t-shirt that barely grazes her waistline and think to yourself “well my derriere looks better than hers”- IT DOESNT. IT REALLY, REALLY DOESNT!

6.) whistles come from perverts, we dont want to be whistled at. they are whistling cause they can literally see your bum. 

if i could, id pass a bill that would require a permit for wearing leggings because we are clearly not smart enough to use them properly. they are the most misused apparel since push-up bras and they must be stopped!so ladies, next time u reach for your favorite pair of leggings to tuck into your uggs, pair them with a nice tunic, or a long sweater vest. because no matter what you think, that thang behind you aint amazing.
cover that rear end….and keep it classy.

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