to my unborn daughter(s)

“powder your nose, paint your toes

line your lips; and keep em closed

cross your legs, dot your i’s;

and never let em see you cry”

(****DISCLAIMER: MOM, I AM IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM ADMITTING YOU WERE EVER RIGHT ABOUT ANYTHING YOU EVER TOLD ME. EVER- YOU WEREN’T. I’LL NEVER GIVE YOU THE SATISFACTION, LOVE YOU <3****)

growing up our mommies tried to warn us about life. they were always eager to give us their advice and opinions on everything, “you have way too much eyeliner on”, “if you ignore him, he’ll like you”,”if you don’t have anything nice to say- don’t say anything at all”,”that skirt is way too short”, “she’s just mean because she’s jealous of you”,”boys dont like girls who dye their hair teal and play rock band all day”(okay, maybe that last one was just me…). it all sounded like constant nagging…it was constant nagging. but maybe, just maybe they could see the big picture when we couldnt.

while im certainly glad i defied EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF ADVICE my mother ever gave me and got to experience all the embarrassing moments, heartache, and hangovers of poor decisions- i already hope that my daughter will learn from me and my mistakes. i know that im destined for bratty, back talking, dramatic girls (my mother has wished it upon me for years, “i pray to God that you have a daughter that’s JUST LIKE YOU!”)- so the odds of them listening to anything i have to say are non existent.

but just in case- i want to write them down so i don’t forget to tell them.

1. It always feels like the end of the world, but it’s NOT the end of the world. TMI- but this one time in 6th grade I peed my pants in school (judge me, i have a VERY weak bladder…). i was mortified. i thought i would never leave my house again, how could i- i peed in my favorite limited too jeans IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS!!!!! 10 years later, i’m still alive and kicking. and i bet you $50 nobody even remembers that ever happening. in 8th grade, i was dumped by “the love of my life”. i wore black for 2 years and cried myself to sleep every night and listened to good charlotte to ease the pain. i would NEVER LOVE AGAIN!!!! needless to say, he wasn’t the love of my life- and while i look back fondly on my “emo” stage, it passed. and holy crap, i fell in love again….and again…


2. if you can tell youre wearing makeup , you have too much make up on. i look back at old pictures and im wearing WHITE eyeliner….WHITE- who decided that white was cool?? we all looked like morons. things only got worse when we outgrew the white and moved onto black eyeliner, from 13-15 most of us looked like raccoon prostitutes. and on top of all that, none of us knew how to straighten our hair yet, so we had those awkward bumpy poofs on the top. we were just a mess. to be quite honest, this is something i still struggle with. sometimes my face is a littttttle on the orange side (i still make my mom check it before i go out :-x).


3. NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER put a man before your friends. just trust me on this one.


4. on that note, girls are backstabbing, jealous bitches. im a bitch, and i know it. youre a bitch too. it just comes with having a uterus. we all LOVE Mean Girls because we all secretly know we have a lot of regina’s qualities- and as horrible as it is, we’re proud of it. it’s just in our nature. i just hope my daughters realize that girls are going to be mean to one another, and they shouldn’t take it personally. instead, they should tell that little snotty nosed bitch that she is an slut and then steal her boyfriend ….just kidding…..


5. find a man who thinks the sun shines out of your ass. women are beautiful, amazing beings. we are gentle, kind, loving, and so strong. we have the power to take two teeny, tiny, microscopic cells and turn into a freaking HUMAN BEING in 9 months. find a man who knows this and treats you like the princess that you are. every woman is a treasure- LITERALLY God’s gift to man, YOU DESERVE to be fought for and treated with respect. don’t ever think you have to settle, because you dont. wait for a man who can’t live without you and wants nothing more than to make you happy. youll find one. just be patient. oh, and youll find a lot of douche bags and assholes before that. sorry.

oh, and always listen to me, your mother, because I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!!!