humans. with our opposable thumbs and smart phones. we think were hot shit, but in all actuality were pretty freakin stupid.
if a dog does something and the consequence is negative over and over again, they stop doing it. the same with mice, and birds, and fish. they learn their lesson. but for humans, it doesnt work that way. we tend to try things over and over and over even after we get the same negative results every single time.
so here is a list of things that we should have learned a lesson from, but still do anyways:
1.) sleeping through registration. first semester of freshman year everyone was up an hour before, double checking their schedules, making back up plans, moving to higher ground for better internet service. but somewhere between then and your first semester of sophomore year pretty little liars marathons and words with friends trumped scheduling your classes.
lets face it, we all know that if you dont wake up at the crack ass of dawn to type in those stupid CRN codes at EXACTLY 6:00:01 am, EVERY SINGLE CLASS YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED will be closed. but does this stop us from taking shots of captain the night before registration? NOPE! because not going out on a monday night would be STUPID.
2.) if you don’t turn the whipped cream can upside down before you spray it, you’ll ruin the whole can. this one’s self explanatory. how many pieces of pumpkin pie have you eaten without whipped cream because you went to spray it in your mouth first and the can wasn’t tilted enough?? there is no greater bummer than feeling a full can of whipped cream and not being able to spray it in your mouth and pretend you are a pimple…
3.)if it acts like an asshole, and talks like an asshole- IT’S PROBABLY AN ASSHOLE!
no, no youre right- by “you’re a stupid bitch” i think he meant “i can’t wait to see you tomorrow”, too.
remember “he’s just not that into you”? YOU ARE NOT THE EXCEPTION (even though at the end of the movie she was “the exception”, which totally ruined the whole concept…but i digress). he/she has not been being a complete and total douche to you to “save up” their niceness to sweep you off your feet and surprise you one day. they are acting like a douche bag because, well…they are a douche bag.
its pretty pathetic how many times we have our hearts ripped out of our chest and ripped up into a thousand pieces to figure this one out. but on the other hand, accepting the obvious and taking people for what they actually are would be so BORING and adele would be out of a job.
4.)you can’t feel your arms, legs, face, or tongue and you mistake the bartender for your uncle john, but you think you should have one more.
that last drink always seems like a good idea, but it never is. it always take you from a good time to, “whoops i just face planted on 7th avenue and threw my iphone under that cab”.
getting shitty is fun, puking your guts out in front of a potential first husband and not remember where you left your shirt is not so fun. so why is it so hard NOT to cross that line? how could we have been drinking since we were in 8th grade and STILL not know when we’ve had enough?? ah, the mysteries of life…
5.)telling just ONE person a secret. we should have learned in elementary school that telling ONE person something, means telling everyone.
when i was in 7th grade i wanted to break up with my boyfriend. i told one of my good guy friends that i was going to do it at lunch, and i told him not to tell anyone. by third period EVERYONE in school knew….how could that have happened?…..”well i told so and so but i told him not to tell…”
“don’t tell anybody, but…” is contagious. it’s a go ahead to tell whoever you want AS LONG as you start it with “DONT TELL ANYONE”. it just passes the blame to the next person. its unbreakable habit, for example i have said the words “dont tell anyone but” 3 times today.oh well, whats the difference- theyre going to find out whatever youre hiding on facebook anyways.
6.) trying to fit in a parking space you know is WAY smaller than your car. you know it, your friend in the passenger seat knows it, but you give it a go anyways. because maybe if you try the space will magically grow. God forbid you had to walk 50 yards into the air conditioned mall.
the funniest part is, when YOURE the one squeezing into the space, its okay and there is DEFINITELY enough room (if you suck in your stomach and turn your head sideways to get out of the car)- but when you walk out of the mall and a crappy old prius is parked ON YOUR ASS, you wonder how the hell anyone in the world could be so stupid and park that close to you.
maybe one of these days well learn our lesson…but i wouldnt hold your breath.
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